The Honesty Policy

I'm sitting here in my office as the daylight is beginning to fade, and as many times as I have sat in this office and worked away the hours in front of this window, this evening it feels different. The fading light almost brings tears to my eyes as it's the perfect ending to this phase of not only Tinderbox, but of my life.

I've been coming to several realizations over the course of the past year.
Growing up will do that to you, I hear.
One major point that stands out is one of truth.  I posed a question in my first post on this blog, and answered that question in what was a simple answer for me...with blunt honesty.
Honesty and I have had several conversations (and frankly, arguments) over the course of my life, and in many cases honesty has won out time and time again.  Much to my chagrin occasionally.
Now the problem doesn't lie in my execution of said honesty...ask anyone who's close to me (or works with me).  My blunt, and sometimes brutal, honesty is a double-edged sword that I'm oftentimes close to nick myself with.  The problem lies with the process thereafter.

I grew up in a household ran by a very independent and strong southern woman, who had 7 very independent and strong southern sisters (and three brothers), who were all birthed from a very independent and strong southern woman.  I would often be taken care of by my mother, one of her two close sisters, or my grandmother, who were all very unapologetic with their honesty.  I was raised to tell the truth, unless the truth was something no one wanted/"needed" to hear about.  Those things that you'd rather just keep your mouth shut about to keep the peace...which in a rural community includes a lot of ridiculous things, like gun control, birth control,...and feelings.  Some of you may know what I'm talking about.*

Feelings are just things that you can toss aside.  There are more important things to do than to weigh time too heavily on feelings.  Why cry when it won't do anything?  Why get angry when it'll only make you feel bad?  Suck it up and move on.

Speaking of home, on our spring tour (June 5th-27th) we stopped in to my childhood home where I basked in the glory of this wonderful little girl. We may not have talked about our feelings much growing up, but we sure did feel them hard.

These words have ran through my head in these forms and in many others pretty frequently.  I believe it manifested throughout my childhood and adolescence in the form of what many call "pride".  I built myself emotionally to have pride in the fact that I can maintain my presence without falling down...to a flaw in several instances over the past few years.  I've hit rock bottom emotionally on this topic, and what I learned is that in order to rise above your pride, you have to have pride in the first place, which I guess is a thing I could be proud of. :)

Anyways.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no problem with being honest, but a few of the people I've had around me have a problem with my honesty.  If you don't know me, I'll explain.
I'm the person who says exactly what I'm feeling or thinking when asked...and sometimes even when I'm not asked, with a tie-on :

• I'm NOT the annoying interrupting kind of "say what I think" person.  Like that person who's all up in the middle of a conversation you're having with someone about the show "Weeds", shouting about how they think weed is an abomination and only for sleazy assholes...unless you're talking about how awesome the Smashing Pumpkins are, in which case, you're wrong. :D
• I don't think badly of people until I'm given a reason to, so I'm NOT the person who thinks they're doing the world a service by exclaiming, "OH MY GOD. HER HAIR LOOKS LIKE A FUCKED UP WEASEL HOLE".
• I don't believe I'm entitled to an opinion any more than anyone else is.

I guess I've just so happened to put myself side by side with such a great number of folks, that it's impossible to not run across a few that are a bit more negative than others...not everyone you meet is going to be your best friend.
Several instances come to mind that have happened over the course of the past year...situations in which I stated the truth that I felt and was confronted with not exactly anger, but something like it.

Telling the truth is supposed to be a good thing, right?
Then how come sometimes it isn't accepted that way?

Logically, I know it could be a number of things.  Anything, really.  Humans are messes of beings and we all have skewed reasons for the things that we do.
Illogically, it makes me feel like shit to tell someone my truth and have them spit on it.  Like I'm not worth anything.
It's an interesting thing, these feelings.

I feel like I'm starting to open the gates into what it is to live my life in this blog...slowly but surely.  It's been such a long time since I've kept a journal of sorts.  And I'm unsure of what everyone wants to read about currently.  Bear with me.


*(In hindsight, as I'm getting older and watching my niece and nephew turn into adolescents on the brink of their nightmare phase, I realize that maybe it's ridiculously hard to talk honestly and bluntly about a teenager's feelings as their parent.  Or maybe it is for parents who have lost touch with their own feelings.  I'm unsure currently.  When I get there, I'll let you know.)

Trashique's To-Do List 7/4/15

• Get that week in August booked with our awesome friends from Dirty Reggae Punx
• Find the right venue for the next Tacklebox. Tacklebox North.
• Start prepping banners for painting for the Bluegrass Fair that's coming up July 9th-19th.
• Make a Tinderbox onesie for my brand new adorable favorite little girl in the whole world.
• Go grocery shopping with Mr. Ballyhoo.
• 
  

Welcome to Verbosity

Hello Internetland!

I'm Kayti McCormick, a.k.a. Trashique of the Tinderbox Circus Sideshow currently home-based out of Lexington, Kentucky.  I come to you today out of a place of awakening and revival.  Mark today as the day Trashique decided to come out of the woodwork.

I've decided to begin documenting my experiences as a performer in a format that is available for all to see.  I'm using this as a forum to express my thoughts & opinions in a thoughtful, resourceful, and unapologetic manner, and to answer questions that folks may have, and generally just write about stuff...and things having to do with...well, me!  This idea came to me through reading my partner-in-crime's blog about his experiences moving into an RV full time and realizing the therapeutic nature of writing one's thoughts out.  I spend a lot of time talking through my trials with my Tinderbox colleagues and (God help him) my boyfriend...and we talk through good things too! (This whole blog isn't based on all BAD)...but I wouldn't have had the guts to begin writing in such a public forum a year ago today, so after some encouragement, I feel as though it's come time that I give myself that chance.  I've followed many blogs for several years from individuals who inspire me, and having a place like this to get to know them in more personally is what keeps me interested, and invested, and excited about them.  So I guess in a way this is an extra outlet to keep tabs on me through for those who are interested in that sort of thing...but I want to let my fans get to know me better.
So here goes...

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How is the world supposed to know who you are if you don't speak up?

This is the question I've been asking myself for the past few months.  I've been onstage for almost five years as a sideshow and burlesque performer...and in the past few years have added to my stage presence with song, dance, and clowning.  I have a base following of over 1,000 people on my personal page.  Over 3,000 on the Tinderbox page.  We constantly make posts about our shows, with photos and videos and tweets and hashtags and all that other social media crap that's necessary to market oneself.  We fuck around on Tumblr, Youtube, Instagram, and other outlets to reach as many people as we possibly can.  It's a lot of work.  There are TONS of social media management programs, and even publicists that you can pay to do this sort of thing for you, but we choose to keep it in-house and live true to the D.I.Y. cause (which will be a topic for a later post).  We've strayed from posting personal opinions or "calling it like it is" in our advertising, simply because it's unnecessary.  Even in moments where it's super duper tempting (like when convicted rapists call fellow performers nasty sluts in a public forum for a recent example). This is true for any business.  No reason to rock the boat.  Your page is neither the time nor the place for that sort of thing.  But what I've found from years of doing this is that there are people, performers, non-performers, and otherwise, who have a pre-conceived notion...or even a misconception on who we are as people.  Like, real life people.  Because we are some form of those, in case you were unaware. :D

That question up there...I had battled with it for months, and I've found my answer : They're not.

Is it better to save face and keep your mouth shut? Or is it better to blatantly blurt out the first thing that comes to mind? I tend to find myself somewhere between the two today.

In the past year, I have extended my reach as a performer and began my journey as a touring show/individual.  I began this trek on a tour I was hired for back in August as a solo performer along with several other solo performers I had never met.  This was my first outing into that particular branch of the industry, and ever since I've been re-evaluating who I am as not only a performer, but as a person.  This is what has spurred me to write.  My eyes have been opened to this whole wide world in the past nine months and I've only just begun to skim the first few pages of this book.  Shortly thereafter, I tag-teamed booking my very first tour with MY group.  And now three months later, I've successfully pulled off booking and managing and three week and two day tour with my troupe plus friends.  It has all escalated so quickly in such a short time frame, and I have discovered and learned so much from the events I've been placed into.  I've been put into awkward situations I've never dealt with before.  I've been thrown obstacles that I never thought I'd have to encounter.  My whole world has shifted.  My frame of reference has shifted.  And it's constantly changing.

I'm very excited to share this with all of you.