I've been coming to several realizations over the course of the past year.
Growing up will do that to you, I hear.
One major point that stands out is one of truth. I posed a question in my first post on this blog, and answered that question in what was a simple answer for me...with blunt honesty.
Honesty and I have had several conversations (and frankly, arguments) over the course of my life, and in many cases honesty has won out time and time again. Much to my chagrin occasionally.
Now the problem doesn't lie in my execution of said honesty...ask anyone who's close to me (or works with me). My blunt, and sometimes brutal, honesty is a double-edged sword that I'm oftentimes close to nick myself with. The problem lies with the process thereafter.
I grew up in a household ran by a very independent and strong southern woman, who had 7 very independent and strong southern sisters (and three brothers), who were all birthed from a very independent and strong southern woman. I would often be taken care of by my mother, one of her two close sisters, or my grandmother, who were all very unapologetic with their honesty. I was raised to tell the truth, unless the truth was something no one wanted/"needed" to hear about. Those things that you'd rather just keep your mouth shut about to keep the peace...which in a rural community includes a lot of ridiculous things, like gun control, birth control,...and feelings. Some of you may know what I'm talking about.*
Feelings are just things that you can toss aside. There are more important things to do than to weigh time too heavily on feelings. Why cry when it won't do anything? Why get angry when it'll only make you feel bad? Suck it up and move on.
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| Speaking of home, on our spring tour (June 5th-27th) we stopped in to my childhood home where I basked in the glory of this wonderful little girl. We may not have talked about our feelings much growing up, but we sure did feel them hard. |
These words have ran through my head in these forms and in many others pretty frequently. I believe it manifested throughout my childhood and adolescence in the form of what many call "pride". I built myself emotionally to have pride in the fact that I can maintain my presence without falling down...to a flaw in several instances over the past few years. I've hit rock bottom emotionally on this topic, and what I learned is that in order to rise above your pride, you have to have pride in the first place, which I guess is a thing I could be proud of. :)
Anyways.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no problem with being honest, but a few of the people I've had around me have a problem with my honesty. If you don't know me, I'll explain.
I'm the person who says exactly what I'm feeling or thinking when asked...and sometimes even when I'm not asked, with a tie-on :
- I'm NOT the annoying interrupting kind of "say what I think" person. Like that person who's all up in the middle of a conversation you're having with someone about the show "Weeds", shouting about how they think weed is an abomination and only for sleazy assholes...unless you're talking about how awesome the Smashing Pumpkins are, in which case, you're wrong. :D
- I don't think badly of people until I'm given a reason to, so I'm NOT the person who thinks they're doing the world a service by exclaiming, "OH MY GOD. HER HAIR LOOKS LIKE A FUCKED UP WEASEL HOLE".
- I don't believe I'm entitled to an opinion any more than anyone else is.
I guess I've just so happened to put myself side by side with such a great number of folks, that it's impossible to not run across a few that are a bit more negative than others...not everyone you meet is going to be your best friend.
Several instances come to mind that have happened over the course of the past year...situations in which I stated the truth that I felt and was confronted with not exactly anger, but something like it.
Telling the truth is supposed to be a good thing, right?
Then how come sometimes it isn't accepted that way?
Logically, I know it could be a number of things. Anything, really. Humans are messes of beings and we all have skewed reasons for the things that we do.
Illogically, it makes me feel like shit to tell someone my truth and have them spit on it. Like I'm not worth anything.
It's an interesting thing, these feelings.
I feel like I'm starting to open the gates into what it is to live my life in this blog...slowly but surely. It's been such a long time since I've kept a journal of sorts. And I'm unsure of what everyone wants to read about currently. Bear with me.
*(In hindsight, as I'm getting older and watching my niece and nephew turn into adolescents on the brink of their nightmare phase, I realize that maybe it's ridiculously hard to talk honestly and bluntly about a teenager's feelings as their parent. Or maybe it is for parents who have lost touch with their own feelings. I'm unsure currently. When I get there, I'll let you know.)
Trashique's To-Do List 7/4/15
- Get that week in August booked with our awesome friends from Dirty Reggae Punx
- Find the right venue for the next Tacklebox. Tacklebox North.
- Start prepping banners for painting for the Bluegrass Fair that's coming up July 9th-19th.
- Make a Tinderbox onesie for my brand new adorable favorite little girl in the whole world.
- Go grocery shopping with Mr. Ballyhoo.
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